While it’s impossible to shield children from life’s ups and downs, parents can play a pivotal role in helping their kids build motivation and resilience, equipping them with the tools to navigate challenges and setbacks.
According to pediatrician Dr. Pilar Bradshaw from Eugene Pediatric Associates, encouraging children to tackle challenging activities — whether in academics, sports, or music — can teach them valuable life lessons. Both victories and failures have something to offer.
Dr. Bradshaw emphasizes that in today’s world of instant gratification, developing grit is one of the most valuable traits a child can have. “The ability to work hard at something consistently and bounce back after setbacks is really a superpower,” she says. “One of the things I recommend is for kids to do things repetitively that are challenging from an early age.”
Praise the Process, Not Just the Outcome
Parents have a big role in teaching kids how to build motivation and tackle life’s obstacles. Dr. Bradshaw suggests that parents should support their children’s unique goals and interests, even if those aren’t what the parents might have chosen. Importantly, she advises focusing on praising the effort and process, rather than the result.
“You want your kid to know you love them even if they didn’t score a point,” she explains. Celebrating both the small victories and moments when things don’t go well can help reinforce the idea that trying is valuable, regardless of the outcome.
“There’s always something in a day that’s a win,” Dr. Bradshaw adds. “If you acknowledge those wins, set the next goal, and celebrate the effort, it can be a great motivator.”
Additionally, Dr. Bradshaw advocates for reassuring kids when things don’t go as planned. “It’s OK, we’ll try again tomorrow. Not a big deal. You did your best, and you can leave the rest behind.” This mindset encourages children not to fear failure but to embrace it as part of the journey.
Finding Their Inner Drive
Developmental Psychologist Dr. Marti Erickson, co-host of the Mom Enough podcast, suggests that parents take on the role of “consultants” in helping children discover and harness their inner motivation. She offers four key strategies to help children develop self-motivation:
Help your child discover passions: Ask open-ended questions about when they feel happiest, most confident, and energized. These insights can guide them toward their natural interests.
Support goal-setting: Encourage children to set both short-term and long-term goals. Even if these goals differ from what you might choose, focusing on something they care about gives their brain useful practice in self-motivation.
Encourage downtime: Help your child find moments to refresh and reset their brain. Allow them to choose how they unwind and discover what works best for them.
Seek support from older peers: Sometimes, it’s helpful to have older teens or young adults offer guidance. As parents, it can be hard to step back, but a peer mentor might be able to offer insights in ways that we can’t.
Rethinking Incentives
When it comes to motivating children through incentives, Dr. Bradshaw warns against relying on rewards or validation as long-term solutions. “Kids can’t always do something just for a reward,” she says. “At some point, they need to find intrinsic value in the work itself.”
Offering incentives might provide short-term motivation, but long-term success comes when children learn to enjoy what they do and understand the worth of their efforts without needing constant external validation.
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